Long gone are the days that I could spent by myself, doing whatever or whatever not. I love being alone as much I love being in a company of family or friends. Before having a family, I loved making a decision of being alone once in a while.
As I became a parent plus five years ago, I haven’t had a lot of extra time on my hands. Not to mention me-time. This all was anticipated and accepted. Having a family and being a mother has its perks and have been dreams of mine as long as I can remember. I’ve never wanted anything more than a family of my own and I’m very lucky to have one.
However, first marriage, then parenthood/motherhood has brought me in the midst of a new kind of being alone. There have been times that I’ve never felt more lonely. I do have lots of friends, a family, a husband, two kids and all kinds of colleagues to share my days with. Still, I have this feeling that I have no right to feel tired, burdened, sad or unhappy in my shoes. Because I’m so lucky. After all, I got my dreams fulfilled, right? Thus I have this feeling of not being understood and solitude in my situation.The saying ’One can feel lonely in a crowd’ seems to apply here. I know that other people feel these exact same feelings as I do, being either in a long (and successful) relationship or being a parent.
About a week ago I finished binge watching the Handmaid’s tale’s third season. It got me thinking, many things but mainly this situation of mine. In this show, the women are either handmaids, wives or marthas. They all have their roles in their world. The wives, if they’re lucky are fertile, but in many cases aren’t. The handmaids are fertile and therefore considered blessed. Mainly because of this, there is a lot of hatred between these women. Both parties feel that their lives are unfair to them. It got me thinking that how poorly people are able to step in to each other’s shoes and not have any empathy towards each other. I wonder is this just fiction or already the life we’re living?
I’m trying tell to myself that I’m too sensitive and that I read too much into things. But then why do I feel like we humans are constantly having a some sort of competition against each other? Where is the love and empathy, the humanity?
photos by Camilla Bloom